Underpants loyalty

This morning, as I was sitting on the couch working on a crossword puzzle with GM, I felt an odd sensation around my belly button. Quite different than the familiar rumbles of female bits churning, and certainly nothing like a burrito post script, this was an almost cartoonish moment.  It most definitely could have been accompanied by a soundtrack featuring, “BOING!”

My underpants had rolled.

The elastic simply rolled over, and quite possibly, died.

My first thought was, “holy fuck! I just got fatter!” A thought that was deeply, deeply troubling as I have been pretty fucking good lately. I pulled my workout pants out and took a peek down at the lifeless corpse of my underpants, drooping in a sad poof of fabric at the tip top of my hoo ha.

I called upon my vast years of crime show watching to determine a cause of death.  A brief autopsy of the elastic waistband indicated that the death was natural and that no foul play was involved. She simply expired after a long, but dull, life. A life of once a week use since the fall of 2000. She is mourned by an entire drawer full of slowly dying underpants, but was preceded in death by her cousin, a cotton sports bra that died a cruel death by dryer.

And, no,  I won’t be taking these dead underpants off until tonight, when I can give them a proper wake. I will clutch them at my hip and look back on a life well lived.

My dear purple satin drawers. You saw so little action in your long life. Special enough to never be used in menstrual combat, loose enough to never be cursed for cutting me in the middle of my ever-expanding gut. You were a true friend, making me feel sassy as I brushed my teeth in the morning. Purple panties, you will be missed.

And yet I wonder if I am the only one with a drawer full of geriatric underpants. Is it gross or unsanitary to hang on to these cotton friends? Is there a shelf life?  I just don’t think I am ready for any new additions- it would seem frivolous and maybe insulting to my collection of old faithfuls.

How are your underpants doing today?


23 thoughts on “Underpants loyalty

  1. I am really impressed that you held on to a pair for 7 years. Mine never last that long. They get to be what my dad called “air conditioned” pretty quickly, in fact. Maybe I need to look into more durable brands.

  2. *lol*
    You made my day, you have no idea…

    Mine are still in their training days ; I just got rid of everything and bought a brand new underpants wardrobe ! I felt all giddy walking away from the store holding my gigantic bag… I’ve just found a new therapy !

  3. You don’t even want to know how old some of mine are. i’ve never been a real undies-shopper anyway, but it has been a LONG time. T bought me a set of cute pink (pink?!) VS ones a few years ago, and those are the newest in my drawer. 🙂

  4. My God, woman. How you can literally pull a topic outta your butt and make it witty and smart continues to amaze me. We need to start thinking of adding advertising of some sort on this blog… to make you some money to put towards your spooge shopping. (Yes, I said it, it was unPC, I know…)

    When you are graced with an arse like mine, granny panties don’t make the cut… or rather, they DO make the cut… and I loathe VPLs. That’s why there’s thongs for skirts and (gasp) nothing for pants. However, some information you might WANT to hear, is that you should never put undergarments of any kind in the dryer. Shortens their lifespan considerably. Get one of those mesh bags to put bras and underwear in in the washer, and hang them to dry. The funerals will happen less often that way.

  5. I to recently went thru and got rid of all of my old cotton w/ no spandex droopy drawers and bought a 3 pack of Hanes Her Way comfort waistband boy shorts…. they are preshus and comfy and apparently not being made any more. I was relegated, on my last undies buying trip 3 days ago to round out my collection, to having to buy low cut briefs – I fucking hate them. Same brand – none of the comfort. I’m furious. i finally find a style that is both flattering to my derriere and comfortable and they stop making them…. ugh!!!!!!! Up until that most recent purging however I had undies in there from @ least 10 years ago —– ewwwwww…

  6. I am in the largest size offered by Target and Hanes – my sister directed me to these in early pregnancy because they have elastic lace on top and therefore don’t dig into the belly. Well, they didn’t dig. Now everything digs. I have always had a large and resplendent underwear collection and have been annoyed by the restrictions of a small pregnancy undies wardrobe. I look forward to getting rid of all the XXXXL and finding out what my size will be after this.

    I do love underwear, though. I seriously think you are missing out by not buying new ones for fun.

  7. Girl I just about pissed my faithful drawers when I read this. Okay I love my granny panties, they are comfortable and they are forgiving. I have no need for sexy as they see no action, and I don’t want to ruin them if the opportunity for some booty should arise. So in the words of my favorite calypso I’m a big panty girl.

  8. cali i’m so very sorry for your loss. there are no words. you were a good friend to your loyal underwear and i hope you will find peace in the days to come. i’ll be thinking of you both.

  9. I love you.

    That said. I do not own panties. I own a drawer full of Hanes long cut boxer briefs (for her, I’d wear boy ones but the pouch thing is kind of annoying.) I will also cop to owning just a few pairs of VS underwear, for days on which I feel especially……girly.

  10. I quite understand. There are panties that stay with us a short while and panties that become like a part of our body. My favourite panties are at least six years old and I save them up for the day of the week that I need some good saucy underwear that also feel great. I love them! Thinking of you at this difficult time…

  11. My underwear drawer is dismal at best, and horrifying at worst! It’s a combo of my oldest saggy baggy numbers that I wore the entire pregnancy that have loose elastic and various holes and are an indeterminate gray colour from all the washing, and then a few newer pairs that would be great without my horrible sagging belly pushing them to roll down under my gut and hips to be an uncomfortable mess. Blech.

  12. Mine? Ancient! Yours died young, I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t even bare to part with the saggy one, and keep them for…for what? I’ve no idea! Most of the still servicable ones are too shameful to be hung on the washingline, even at night.

  13. Dude I keep mine for-EV-er. Until they fall off or have unacceptably large holes. I admit it – I do have a few pairs of lacier girlier ones but most are plain old cotton undies. I hate buying new ones cause the size they say they are is not always the size they actually are.

    I had to buy new ones though, the Beast Within Expandeth.

  14. LOL!! I love this post! LOVE it!!

    And I am horrible with this too! I just can’t do it, I can’t toss my loyal and never complaining about my weight panites away. Comfort clothing!

  15. I did just remember a long term panty story. For my 15th birthday, Melissa and Asia and a couple other people gave me a pair of silky white underwear with red roses. They had all bought a pair for themselves so we all had matching underwear and we thought we were so clever and there are pictures from the ensuing slumber party where we tried to pull down one another’s pants to show them off. Good times. I kept those underwear until they were held together by a safety pin. I think Melissa still has them. I also went through a phase where I wouldn’t get on an airplane unless I was wearing those underwear, convinced their good luck would keep me aloft.

  16. I’m sorry, but I just LAUGHED MY ASS off on this one, dear Cali!


    Um, yeah, I have a HUGE amount of “skivvies,” and there are a few that I keep “special,” except for when I don’t check that damn site, and I start my period early…

  17. So sorry for the loss of such a faithful friend. I have a whole drawer full of undies that probably should have been given a decent burial years ago – I just can’t let go. Sigh.

  18. I just wanted to add a personal thanks for not using the word “panties.” It skeeves me out.

    Yeah, mine are old. They stopped making the ones I like, so I’m wearing these until there is nothing but a string of elastic around my waist.

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  20. i too have many old friends in the undies drawer. I think oldest ones came from marks and spencers in london circa 1997. I can’t throw them out, they’re souvenirs.

  21. ahahahahahaha! I loved it! In fact, I read it aloud to AJ who immediately said “It was Cali, wasn’t it?”

    My underthings are in fact quite old as well. I would imagine about 4 years. But, like you, I can’t justify buying new ones when the old ones are comfortable and still useful. I buy new ones occasionally, but they seem to find their way to the back of the drawer, while the old faithfuls stay in use.

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