The consumer whore report on healthy eating

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, (and by “you” I mean my fellow consumer whores who believe in supporting local business but are continually lured by the Siren Song of the Starbucks drive-through) but your friendly local international coffee chain is trying to go healthy. Are you familiar with the new menu items? Oatmeal with dried nuts and berries? The multi-grain roll? A dash of protein powder for your skinny latte? I am a regular drive-through customer, and I cherish the occasional morning commute that includes a one-on-one with a venti latte and an old-fashioned doughnut. But I’ve been reading up on health issues for my age group (holy shit, I turned 34 and I didn’t even mention it here!) and it occurred to me that my twice-weekly doughnut probably wasn’t the best medicine for my increasingly middle-aged organs. So last week I tried a few of the “healthy offerings” in lieu of my sugary little friend, and before you place your order for a fruit stella with its “juicy baked berries and omega-3s,” let me give you a Grade Adler-style woman-on-the-street review of the new menu: EW.

I like my latte, and I don’t care what you say about the tastelessness of protein powder–adding a dash of healthy to my java changes the way it tastes. And the multi-grain roll? I should not have to worry about breaking a tooth on a whole grain while experiencing the sensation of chewing 8-hour-old gum. The oatmeal wasn’t bad, but really, it would be difficult to screw up instant oatmeal. And what exactly IS a stella? Does calling it a stella make it more appealing than what it actually is, a pricey chewy fruit granola bar?

I find myself on the horns of a dilemma, and I have to say, I’m kind of used to sitting atop these particular horns. I know I should eat healthier food–more fruit and fewer mini Snickers bars, more whole grains and fewer doughnuts, more water and less diet Coke. But I don’t want to, plain and simple. It is an effort for me to plan ahead for this kind of eating. I like fruit, but it is messy and has to be cleaned; I have never had to wash a mini Snickers bar before popping it in my mouth, and while I actually LIKE drinking water, there is nothing quite like an icy cold diet Coke in the late afternoon. With a mini Snickers bar.

And yet. I want my daughter to have healthy eating habits. I want her to like eating fruit. I want her to prefer water over soda. She has never actually ingested soda (except for that one time when she was about 7 months old and leaned over and swigged a swallow right out of my straw, but that was not my fault becuase I was not aware she could drink from a straw!). She loves grapes and blueberries and apples. She drinks only milk and water, not even juice, and even though she has a serious ice cream addiction, I limit her consumption severely. I manage to set a good example by restricting my own bad eating habits to the car or my office, but I feel sort of like a scam artist. Okay, very like a scam artist. And I’m telling you about it because admission of a problem is the first step to fixing it, right? So I’m going to publicly declare my devotion to healthier eating, because a month from now, when I talk about how good that old-fashioned doughnut was on the ride to work, I fully expect one or more of you to make a snarky comment along the lines of, “Huh. I guess that healthy eating thing didn’t work out for you.”

But let me make one thing clear: I will not be adding protein powder to my occasional latte, and I will not be attempting to eat any more of those horrible rolls, and I can make instant oatmeal myself for a fraction of the cost. And also, just so you know, I will not be throwing out my mini Snickers bars, and when I break down and eat a handful at the end of a long day, I certainly won’t be talking about it here.

This post has been brought to you by our very first Guest Blogger, hd, from One Small Corner of the Universe. If you would like to be a guest blogger let us know!

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2 thoughts on “The consumer whore report on healthy eating

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